The tale is that I was struggling with this essay about a thing. Several times, I wrote, and then deleted parts, or even the whole thing the following morning. While frustrated, I was aware of movement forward; this is how writing helps to bring forth difficult knots into the light of day to be loosened with psyche’s teeth and my faith in the process. The initial knot, a real bastard of low self-worth and invalidation proved to offer illumination as the knot loosened through the week.
The knot itself resulted from my reflexive assuming of a lesser position, of failing to be fully present along with my deeper self at an event, and how the experience affected me. I shake my head when I think of it; I allowed myself to be triggered, was fist-pounding angry afterward, but also missed the opportunity to share my wisdom and possibly make a difference in the lives of others; this wasn’t just about me. Why didn’t I show up fully? (Please yell here)AFTER ALL OF THE YEARS OF DELVING AND SIGNIFICANT HEALING, I KNOW BETTER(yelling can stop): It is our responsibility to live fully in the world; to show up in our authenticity in whatever situation, otherwise we cheat ourselves, and the ‘other’ by offering less than our best. It’s like considering there to be a spring in the psyche, but you’re keeping the deeper-self gardening tools in the shed and planting plastic flowers in the beds to make it look like you’ve contributed. Being present, risking the vulnerability of showing up might get dirt under your nails, give you a few bruises on your shins, but it’s the only way to nurture good roots and depth. Anything else is sleepwalking, and a really crummy garden.
The tsunami’s of self-doubt come when I seek validation from the wrong people–the voices in the cheap seats, about the importance of what I now have to offer. However, if I am sincere and put in the effort, the universe always seems to nudge me back onto my good path. Here, it was a brilliant post on Instagram, and I know that just because something is a post doesn’t make it true, but the words here are a distillation of what I have read in the words of my Jungian, and psychodynamic theory heroes. Reading this stopped the tsunami:
“Pain travels through families until someone is ready to feel it.” Stephi Wagner
Then,
"For many of us, our generational curse is avoidance. We come from people who just act like it didn’t happen. But pain demands to be felt. And somewhere along the line, a child will be born whose charge it is to feel it all. These are your Shamans, your priests and priestesses, your healers. You call them mental health patients and label their power as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and the like. But these are the ones who are born with the gift of feeling. And as we all know, you can’t heal the pain that you refuse to feel.”
Dionne Shannette Wood
I share this because I know many who also have this ‘gift,’ whose gardening could make a difference. I am grateful to have the experiences and work behind me that now contribute to the powerful, tapped-in way I feel when I am present. There’s a grounded, energized feeling that only a fool would keep knotted up, and I am not a fool. Once I clued in, it was exciting to be aware of the process, to have figured it out; the anger getting my attention to get me to undo the knot, turf the unhelpful, invasive self-doubt and to commit to showing up, always. In earlier days, I might have just stayed angry, but this is now. (Yell if you'd like)ONWARD!