Love and time and existence; born with faith, then the deal making begins. What’s on the table? Ease, and truth perhaps. I was going to make a list of words that I dealt with in previous essays, but it seems to me that ease and truth link to them all.
What’s going on with you?
I’ve ordered Marie-Louise von Franz's, “Number and Time...” blah, blah, blah. Is this impressive? I’m not telling you this to impress you. I honestly feel that we’re trapped by our concept of time, missing something, some ability, or access to our own heart crucible where change happens.
Heart crucible?
Yes. A place inside of each of us where we can transform–where we are meant to transform. Without transformation, nothing about this life makes sense. I get whiffs of something now and then, like repeated posts of Saint-Exupéry’s,
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes,”
from, "The Little Prince."
Yesterday I read a New Yorker piece by Joshua Rothman called, "Why Is It So Hard to Be Rational?" In it, Rothman explores the subject through various academics, past and present. The article was useful in its exploration of how we assess, hold, and use new information, but in summary, Rothman is somewhat skeptical of rationality being a clear and perfect function. At one point, Rothman questions the risk of rationality moving us towards becoming nothing more than a “cog in a machine.” If I was a purely rational person, I would have gotten a degree in commerce and I’d be working in finance somewhere, or drop-shipping like a boss. For me, I think any psychological study that fails to take in the power of the unconscious for purely quantifiable reasons is annoyingly shallow. Whenever I have made decisions based only on reason, it has turned out to be terrible for me. Each time I dismissed that "invisible" thing, that inner crucible and yes, I played along for a while, but eventually the bottom dropped out. Feeling, sensing, thinking, intuiting is our best jam, although Jung likely would not have termed it as "a jam" but rather, our "cognitive functions."
I’m pausing here, because things aren’t great right now.
Any thoughts on why?
You know what? Let me rephrase; "I'm pausing here."
That's it?
Yes. I'll admit to finding myself in a bit of an uncomfortable lull, but it's just a lull. Now, after following my gut, surrendering and studying what I feel I am built for (Jung), I have more potential than I have ever have had. This all has to do with the pinnacle mode and how I feel when I’m in it. I experienced it again two days ago when I was able to support someone who is in a difficult, almost abusive relationship. The helpful words I offered came so easily. Nothing I had to look up, or research. They just came, and even I was impressed. It was all about truth, really, and through truth comes ease. It's a better mode of existence I think.
So are things great?
To live on this planet right now is difficult. This isn’t new but it does seem more intense. I’ve always had a hard time but we're not going there today! Oh, but this just came:
I feel now that I am more supported by something numinous than I am by other humans.
How do you know this?
The synchronicities I experience are just too exceptional to dismiss. In my darkest times, something will show up to get my attention.
Dark times?
Not going there today! I know I’m not the only one, but let’s keep moving. I don’t want to be that person.
What person do you want to be?
Oh, I want to be the excellent human in pinnacle mode, or as close as I can get.
All of the time?
That’s the dream. I wouldn’t be toggling between dark and light so much. There would be trust without that unhelpful doubt. I don't mean that I would be living like a blissful idiot, but I wouldn't have to regroup, reset each time that I get sand in my teeth. It’s living on a higher plane, and what a relief that would be, to exist fully, to contribute fully. I feel like I am ready; now is the time!
More synchronicity: I opened a desk drawer to use as a foot rest and I noticed writing on a file folder lying inside. It was a quote from Erich Fromm;
"Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is.”
This essay didn't quite turn out as planned, but that's the thrill, the beauty of this process for me. I hope I don't sound like a nut-bar. Do I sound like a nut-bar? Do I?
And now, my fondest wrap-up quote:
"Seymour once said that all we do our whole lives is go from one little piece of Holy Ground to the next. Is he never wrong?"